


How to Stop Adopting Every One who Walks into Your House

by hillflirty



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Mythical Baby AU, No relationships cause like all platonic, mythical AU, ummm - Freeform, y'know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-03-13 09:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3377261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hillflirty/pseuds/hillflirty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Geoff and his brother-like friend Jack end up with <s>four</s> <s>six</s> nine unexpected adopted children due to one found baby. Mythical Baby AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something Mermaid This Way Comes

That baby was getting really fucking annoying in Geoff’s opinion. Geoff had driven down to the beach one Saturday to try and get the smell of a botched potion out of his entire being. Yet, as Geoff continued to dig through the sand for shells and rare rocks to use for potions, ones he wouldn’t burn, the baby’s screams continued to echo across the entire beach. Geoff gave up trying to ignore it, and began walking down the beach to try and find the family with the poor child, hoping to possibly aid them in getting it to be quiet. However, as Geoff continued down the beach, the baby continued to wail, and there were no people, umbrella, or even belongings in sight. Geoff continued to walk, becoming slightly worried as well as agitated. 

Once he did manage to find the baby, he ended up discovering an infant mermaid washed up on the beach, and when Geoff went to pick it up, the baby was extremely hot. Geoff quickly panicked, running down to the shore and sitting cross legged in the water, putting the baby in the barrier formed by his legs and resting its head on his thigh.

“I guess we’re together, now, huh?” Geoff whispered, gently brushing the baby’s hair through his fingers and feeling its forehead already cooling down substantially. Geoff reached for his phone that he’d left in the sand and quickly began looking up how to care for mermaid children, most of them said that they need almost constantly stay in water, a daunting task as Geoff remembered he would have to drive the baby back to his home. Geoff suddenly remembered an empty paint bucket he’d left in the back of his car for god knows why, and he worked out how he was going to get back there without getting the baby dry again.

This resulted in Geoff in the water up to his shoulders, with him carrying a now not-screaming-but-still-sniffling mermaid child with its head on his shoulder and tail under the water, leaving Geoff forced to carry his phone in his mouth. Geoff left the child, who he’d started to refer to as “Scream” slightly in the water as he ran to his car and ran back, breathing heavily with sweat dripping from his mustache. He filled the small paint bucket with water from the ocean and then gently set the child into the multiple gallon-holding bucket. As Geoff walked back to his car, thoroughly soaked and frustratingly winded, he looked down into the bucket.

“What are we gonna do with you?”


	2. Centaur of Attention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: I edited the first chapter so I'm sorry it was so bad before ok it's fixed. That's all. Heart you!

Gavin was what Jack had insisted they call the new mer-baby they’d manage to acquire.

“Calling an infant ‘Beach’ and then giggling to yourself isn’t going to help anything,” he’d stated when Geoff simply forgot to give him a proper name as soon as he got home. So , they did keep Gavin, and he became a family to them both.

But, along with Gavin came some interesting new problems. One of which was the fact that he attracted every animal in a 500 foot radius, especially when he was crying. Another being he once cried so loud, he practically summoned the forces of hell via a large deer that broke their T.V. screen, but he also got a small rabbit that he refused to leave, and kept with him as a pet for a few weeks until it ran off.

Gavin also once came in on the back of some centaurs back claiming, “This is Michael, he doesn’t have a family so I told him he’s our family now, and family lives with us, right?” To which Geoff couldn’t refuse.

Gavin stated that “Dad, he can fly, kind of!” in an excited way before quickly picking up and splaying out one of Michael’s wings to show them off. Michael just continued to stand there, cross armed and pouty, but quietly scared of this new man and wishing to just be alone with Gavin to calm down.

Gavin always got Michael to get angry, quite often as well. Geoff and Jack were usually fine with it, just allowing them to yell and fight as much as they wanted unless anybody got hurt. They were typically allowed to wrestle inside, as well, until they ruined an entire drawer of Geoff’s shirts with water stains, getting both of them a time out to be outside in the pool. This, however, simply led to a water splashing fight that neither Jack nor Geoff bothered to break up.

Gavin once convinced Michael that he could fly and just needed to get a jump start, which lead to Michael jumping off the shed and fracturing his left arm, proving to Geoff that they weren’t to be left outside unsupervised ever again.

Things stayed mostly happy within their household, though, and they were all pleased. Michael and Gavin did get along well despite their arguments, and they both loved the two men who cared for them very much.


	3. Powers Cat Be

The next child came just as abruptly as the first two. Ray was found inside the fridge, inside the home, which was locked and guarded by Geoff’s witchcraft. No one really questioned it, Geoff simply woke up one night, went to get something to eat out of the fridge, only to find a small cat-child on the top shelf, eating a chocolate bar. 

“What’s your name?” Geoff asked, quickly over the initial shock of a new child. 

The boy hesitated, but decided to speak. “Ray,” was all he said, and Geoff nodded and picked him up and set him on the counter behind him. 

“Nice to meet you Ray, but no sitting in the fridge, you’ll break the shelves.” Geoff said, turning around and looking in the fridge again, only to have forgotten what he initially wanted and wandered back to bed. 

With Ray came the invention of the time out corner, something Geoff was rather proud of for his handiwork. It was simply two stools, sat in opposite sides of the room, that he had carved spells into which prevented the kids from getting out of without his permission. Geoff also had a timer, one that only started once the boys stopped laughing, and reset every time they laughed again.

Ray, as the good child he was, never got in the time out corner, however. Those two seats were reserved for Michael and Gavin, who found it hilarious to fling water balloons at Ray, to push Ray into the pool, to convince Ray to hug Gavin before Gavin pulled him into his water tank. Overall, Ray’s poor cat-child life was uncomfortably wet.

Jack always helped him though, while Geoff locked the other two down, and scolded them for what seemed forever, Jack would hold and rock Ray while gently drying him off. Ray was easily overwhelmed, and soon enough Gavin and Michael understood that and stopped their actions against him, starting to simply tease him, but always lovingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM TERRIBLE I FORGOT ABOUT THIS STORY OH MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY. Anyone have any ideas for things to have them do?


	4. Chip Off the Gold Block

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S BACK, SLUTS. Completely forgot I had ever written this, logged in to AO3 to bookmark something, this pops up. Oopsy. Well, I have a long weekend, Easter and all, so I should be able to get some more chapters, splurge you guys to an ending so this isn't left so... loose.

Jack was invited, more demanded, really, to the house again on the reasoning of, "everything's fucked, man. It's all broken." Jack hurried over, already feeling a headache slightly developing behind his eyes.

So here they were, Michael teething on damn near anything he could find, Ray skittering around the house to escape from a giggly Gavin, held in a water bubble mid-air by a disgruntled Geoff, and a new kid lounging on the floor, playing on a bright pink DS covered in fish stickers. They all denied knowing the reasoning behind such an odd aesthetic DS, but they truly knew it was Ray's favorite toy, and Gavin had decided this would always remind him of their friendship. It was endearing, and they let it be.

"So, you weren't kidding when you said 'everything is broken'." Jack laughed, leaning back on the couch and looking around at the children.

"Yep, just a wonderful array of oddities." Geoff responded, gently pulling Michael from gumming the couch out of existence and handing him a toy to chew on. "Oh, have you met Ryan?"

"I'm the household's main source of income. Also I do the taxes now." Said the new kid, Ryan apparently, as a terrified Ray climbed between his legs and hid his face in Ryan's chest, whimpering quietly. Ryan laid his arms down on Ray's back, reassuring him of his presence and sent a glare towards Gavin, who just huffed and directed Geoff to float him closer to Michael.

"Yeah, I was just doing the taxes a few weeks ago when he just came in and took over. I'm still lost on the situation." Geoff ended with a mutter, knowing full well Ryan would out him on that fact if he did not voice it himself.

"Was this before or after he started living here?" Jack mused, gazing curiously at Ryan and then at his game, snickering as he saw him playing Pokemon, definitely something from Ray's stash then.

"I'd never seen him before!"

"Maybe he heard your frustration and came to help, you've always been terrible at paperwork."

Ryan let out a little huff of a laugh, his chest quickly rising and earning a squeak from Ray, who was seemingly trying to nap. "He turns string to gold, too. He just took all of the thread out of the emergency sewing kit and started wrapping it around his fingers, y'know, like elementary schoolers who make shapes out of string? Like that, and it started pulling itself on its own and then it was gold. Very useful, but do you know how hard it is to sell gold in the current market? It's a pain in the ass." Geoff got faster the longer he talked, ending his little tirade and getting a slight elbow to the shin from Ryan, still on the floor.

"Now all we need to do is get Ray to not tangle it." Jack joked, eliciting a small cackle from Geoff. Ray blearily looked up, making an indignant noise before simply dropping his head back on to Ryan. They were a happy family, and now there were 6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO ABOUT SINCE RYAN'S THE OLDEST HE PROTECTS RAY BC RAY'S SO SMALL AND JUST NEEDS TO BE HELD


	5. Meet the B Team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woot woot, new chapter

Geoff was warm in bed. He trusted Ryan enough that no one would get too grievously injured if he just went to lie down for a bit, besides, it was storming, they wouldn't go outside. He was drifting off, in a comfortable space between waking and sleeping, when a sliver of light entered his room. Ray walked in, quietly, and gently pulled on the sheet until Geoff addressed him.

"Yeah, little man?" Geoff mumbled, his eyes only opened a slit while Ray nervously looked at him.

"Do we have any hidden towels?" 

"Not hidden, but there's a lot in the closet," Geoff was curious now, and had no hope of returning to his nap. He gently slid his legs over, grabbing Ray and carrying him on his hip to the closet. "Ok, where do we need these?" 

"Living room," Ray said, obviously nervous about his given task, "please" was added as an after thought. Geoff carried Ray and his abundance of towels to the living room, only to see the other three children around a redheaded new comer. She was soaked to the bone, obvious Harpy wings matted together with rain water.

"We found her outside on the porch." "We know not to talk to strangers but she was so cold." Michael and Gavin began talking over each other immediately.

"It's fine, boys. She can stay, if she has no where else to go, that is." Geoff responded, putting Ray and the towels down, holding one out to Ryan as they both began to dry off her wings. The girl immediately looked both shocked and relieved. She enthusiastically shook her head yes, suddenly happy to find somewhere to belong. Geoff smiled down at her, before placing a towel on her head and beckoning Michael over, indicating for him to help dry her hair. Michael blushed profusely, quickly hurrying over and moving the towel out of her eyes before gently smooshing her hair around inside the towel.

This began the flood of The B Team. First was Lindsay, who was an energetic Harpy. She struggled to make words when she was overtaken with emotions, just making little squeaky noises and bird chirps to get the energy out. Gavin understood every single noise, and when she was upset he would console her and translate for Geoff if it was something wrong.

Second came Kdin, a Satyr who was practically tone deaf. She had a fantastic memory, and an astounding artistic ability, but often felt useless as a Satyr with no musical capabilities. After Kdin came Kerry, who distracted her from all of her woes. Kerry was a dryad, who would lovingly turn Kdin's drawings and plans into a reality of flowers and gardening in both Geoff's front and back lawn. Geoff's house was both full and beautiful, outside with flowers and happy children chasing each other everywhere, and inside with childrens' drawings and personalized items that proved their mark in their new home. They were happy, safe, and a puzzle that was slowly coming together. Now they had 9 pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\з= ( ▀ ͜͞ʖ▀) =ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ Up next, Fairie Play Allowed


	6. Fairie Play Allowed

The next child just appeared, to put it simply. Jeremy was a small child, very short but he was extremely strong, especially for a fairie. He quickly developed a new form of jokes around the house, "Want to look more like Gavin?" would be followed by a piece of paper with "www.NoseNoBoundries.com" scrawled across it, which lead to uproar of laughter and indignant noises from Gavin. Jeremy adapted fast, becoming quick witted in a natural way to verbally spar with the other "Lads".

With the addition of Jeremy, the rooms were uneven again. As their family grew and adapted, it started with Gavin, Michael, and Ray staying in the Lads' room,  and Kdin, Kerry, and Lindsay staying in Room B Team. Ryan rarely slept, and when he did he never truly made it to a specific room or place, just fell asleep wherever he had deemed comfortable enough to get tired in the first place, often sleeping on the couch, in Jack's armchair, and more than once they had found him in the backyard, covered in dew, after watching the stars for too long. The Lads were ecstatic to be bigger, they now had more man power on their team for games, but this did result in the majority of play time being spent as the B Team tried to coax Ryan, who truly just wanted to watch TV, into playing with them. This further caused B Team to constantly be the "evil" team, as Ryan only wanted to participate if he could be the villain.

With Jeremy also came a flood of new "pranks". They managed to fully duct tape him to the wall, which it took Geoff nearly an hour to realize when he came in the living room the play games. When they went camping they convinced Ryan to enchant his sleeping bag, which, over the course of the night, slowly crept Jeremy further and further out into the lake. They moved the bunk-bed Jeremy and Michael shared into the living room, whose high ceilings allowed them to move Jeremy's top bunk up 12 feet using books and extra wood from the yard. Jeremy took it like a champ, even sleeping in the bunk that night. He did refuse to come down the next morning though, and even squeaked once he opened his eyes. The time-out corner made a come back quickly after that, and they learned that Jeremy was deathly afraid of heights.

 

Matt came a few weeks after Jeremy, a banshee who had some real potential to helping the household. He would quietly shriek at Geoff to let him know Gavin's goldfish was going to die soon, for which Geoff would quickly buy a new one and switch them out in the middle of the night, not wanting break Gavin's heart. He helped Kdin and Kerry garden, using his powers to quickly find plants who were beginning to die.

Geoff loved all of his found children, and would protect them to a fault, but he was honestly getting upset at having to buy MORE fucking beds. He would grumble good naturedly that it was getting out of hand, that somehow he'd hexed himself, that maybe the neighborhood was haunted or some shit, but truly, he was content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to pre-spoil yourself, here's a list of chapter titles from chapter 1 all the way up to 19. pasted.co/ddad33af If you figure out what all of the chapters are about (Almost all based on comics from SomeoneUDontKnow5's tumblr, some from baby au and some from magical baby au), and you have a suggestion for anything, let me know! I'm happy to work in any ideas or scenarios. <3 you!


	7. School of Thumb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyo, it's been a lil bit but guess who's back children. The state of Texas hates all of its students and continually makes us take shitty super long tests and then quietly sit in a room doing nothing for hours on end and my soul was tired but I'M HERE NOW.

"Hi, I need to sign up my kids for school!" Geoff announced, walking into the local public school.

"Of course" beamed the woman behind the desk, immediately looking down and shuffling through some papers, "how many?" She asked, still bent down but now digging through a filing cabinet. 

"Uh.." Geoff looked around, counting under his breath as he evaluated the child situation, "nine? Yeah, nine kids."

Ryan raised a hand, "eight, I already go to school here, Pop." He commented, still trying out different fatherly nicknames until one stuck with Geoff, and minutely waving to the attendant with a quiet, "hello, miss Kara."

Geoff shook his head at the nickname, adjusting Ray on his shoulders as Lindsay flew and tried to gently push Ray off of his napping perch. 

After the first day of school, Geoff began to get flighty about picking up the children, telling Jack that he had to go because Geoff couldn't go in the building. Geoff did not want to face Griffon, every time he did he got extremely flustered and floundered his words, ending up just babbling as he rounded up his children and left quickly. Jack accepted his task with grace, going and not-so-subtly checking his hand for names so he wouldn't forget anyone when telling Griffon who he was here to pick up.

"Does Mister Ramsey have any more children I should know about?" Griffon asked, shocked at the list of children this single person would be taking.

Ryan walked up to them from down the hall where his classroom was, as he was significantly older than the others, "Hey, Jack, where's Papi?" Jack quickly realized that was the child he forgot as Griffon gave him a raised eyebrow in questioning.

"Papi? That's what he decided you could call him?" Jack asked quietly as Griffon went to gather the other eight. Ryan simply shrugged in response, finishing explaining with a "it's what Ray insists on."

Griffon came with the other children, handing them off to Jack and ushering them out of the door. Gavin squawked the whole way home, excited about his trophy sticker he got for doing well that day in class. Once they were home, he quickly rushed to the Lads' room and into a corner of their closet with his sticker. He put it in his hidden Trophy Room folder, messily scrawling the date under it so he could remember. Michael quickly followed after him, grabbing the folder and laughing, running to show the others. Geoff thought it was adorable, while the other children giggled with Michael over the silly concept of keeping the stickers which the teacher gives out in abundance. Gavin quickly got very upset, tearing up and demanding his folder back, saying "it isn't funny, go away!" Geoff then quickly reinstated the time out corner, giving the folder back to Gavin and letting him cry it out in his lap while the others were pouting and stuck to their stools in separate rooms.

"So, what'd I miss?" Ryan asked, walking in with an ice cream cone after his study group.


	8. Beach of a Day

Summer was, overall, considered a miracle by the children. After months spent crying by an upset Gavin who kept dropping sandwiches into his special-made wheelchair tank, and subsequently gagging uncontrollably while wet crumbs floated around him. He would often wriggle violently, trying to splash the crumbs either away from him or completely out of the small tank, but often only ended up getting the others wet and someone having to drain his chair.

“So, what are we doing today, Geoffrey?” A voice piped up, causing Geoff to jump at a voice using his name that was definitely not Jack. He looked over his shoulder to see Gavin, flanked by Michael, who was bouncing on the balls of his feet in anticipation. The lads had been told to pack a week’s worth of clothes, and Ryan had been told their destination, along with instructions to slip the lads’ bathing suits into their luggage after they were done packing.

Geoff gruffed a laugh, “Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise then, would it?” Gavin pouted as Geoff patted him lovingly on the head, Geoff snickering as he walked through the door and around Michael to go check on Ray. Ray was cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by luggage and furiously tapping away on his DS, tongue slightly sticking out, brows furrowed in concentration. Geoff carefully over stepped the bags, picking Ray up, to which he only earned a slight gasp of breath as Ray registered him, before starting to walk Ray to the car. They stopped in the living room as Michael was laughing at Gavin, who had dropped his stuffed goldfish on the floor and was struggling to reach for it while still in his chair. Geoff sighed and shook his head, stretching to put Ray down on the couch before helping Gavin pick up his toy. Jack distracted him next, asking for help carrying the luggage out to their newly-bought minivan, which Geoff had been decidedly against, “a minivan doesn’t attract chicks, Jack,” “Neither does nine kids, Geoff, so shut it.”

Next thing Geoff knew, they were all loaded in the car and already on the interstate eastbound. Jack’s brow scrunched, and he turned around from the passenger seat to look at the kids, who Geoff had just recently threatened to turn the car around on. “Hey, Geoff?”

“Hmm?” Geoff asked, switching to the left lane to pass a particularly slow freighter.

“We forgot Ray.” Jack said bluntly, raising himself up a bit to make sure the cat just wasn’t curled up on the floor asleep. Geoff immediately made a disgruntled noise, switching back into the right lane to get off. They found Ray still on the couch, still playing on his DS. Geoff picked him up, carrying the hat on his hip and blowing on his ear until Ray looked up in a glare.

“Yes, Papi?” Ray asked, slightly annoyed at his actions and wriggling in Geoff’s arms. Geoff hurried to the car, making sure to lock the door on his way out, before placing Ray between Gavin and Lindsay in the very backseat of the car. Ryan, Jeremy, Matt, and Kdin were squished in the middle row, with Kerry asleep on the floorboard in front of them, and Michael on the floor in the very back, asleep with his head in Lindsay’s lap. Lindsay was carding her fingers through Michael’s hair, giggling when his wings fluttered and scratching behind his ear with her nails, beside her Gavin had gotten Ray to talk, asking him stupid questions about his game which Ray answered eagerly.

Five hours, and a particularly inhuman amount of potty stops, later, they had made it to a small hotel just beside the beach. The younger children were vibrating with energy, throwing luggage into the room before changing, nearly faster than humanly possible, tugging on Geoff’s shirt until he hurried up. He gave each of them a small water gun, telling them they had to wait to fill it until they got down to the beach as Gavin immediately dipped to fill it from his tank. Gavin pouted in response, but Geoff walked them down to the beach. He gently picked Gavin up and set him in the ocean. 

The three youngest instantly initiated a “lads fight”. Ryan picked up Ray, putting him on his shoulders and taking a wide stance under the water. Geoff took Gavin, wrapping his tail around his shoulders with Gavin leaning heavily on his head, using it to steady his shot. Jack happily grabbed Michael, wrapping his arms around the lad and holding him against his chest so he wouldn’t fall backwards. Michael immediately shot Ryan in the eye, causing him to fall backwards and drop Ray, before quickly shooting rapidly at Gavin, causing him to try and dodge, but simply fall off Geoff’s shoulders. Jack jumped in excitement, Michael slipping from his grasp and also falling into the ocean. 

“I guess I’m the winner,” Jack announce, being promptly splashed with water by Gavin’s tail. Ray tried to scale Jack, getting as far from the water as possible, wrapping himself around Jack’s head and gripping his hair to keep himself from falling.

“Uncle Jackie, please go to land, please, it’s wet.” Ray asked, gently pulling Jack’s hair to get him to cooperate. Jack just laughed and waded through the water, depositing Ray on a beach towel before wrapping him up in it and drying him off, letting the lad sprawl out on the towel afterwards. Ryan came up and waved Jack away, setting up and umbrella before sitting beside Ray, beginning to quietly talk nonsense at the cat while Ray adjusted to lay his head on Ryan’s thigh, warm from the sun and damp from the ocean. Ryan began absentmindedly stroking Ray’s hair, continuing to ramble facts and stories.

Geoff was sitting near the edge of the ocean, watching Gavin throw a ball around with some of the b team, snorting when Lindsay flew high and spiked the ball straight into Kdin. He continually grumbled, “My name’s Jack and I’m a shapeshifter, let me fly off the heat with some of the children while you sit around and get sand in your butt”, he quickly called out to Ryan, still lounging with Ray and reading a book aloud to the lad, “Ryan! Magic time, transform some water into a few ice cubes.”

Ryan was quick to oblige, lifting a finger and swirling it, having to lift his shades when Gavin loudly squawked to see what he’d done wrong. “I froze the sea, didn’t I?”

“Yep.” Geoff replied, half frozen under the sea now, his knees sticking up in the air while Gavin was stuck in a contorted position. Ryan gently pushed Ray down the beach, laying him and the towel both on the ice so Ray could cool off, laughing when Geoff swiped at him. Lindsay landed, gently tapping the ice with one of her claws before chirping a laugh, going over and poking at Michael while his arms were stuck underwater, ruffling his hair and pinching his cheeks while he blushed and huffed indignantly.

Beach day was still, somehow, overall deemed a success. Geoff and Jack quickly planned another excursion, keeping it less of a secret this time so their energy could die out before arriving this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1200 word chapter, my longest yet! (Barely shorter than the 1600 one shot I posted) Thank StarryAlpha for being my beta and my encouragement because I did not want to write, but ye!


End file.
